Navigating the Waters of Miscarriage and Infertility

Loving the heck out of our goddaughter and niece until we have one of our own.

As I'm sure is the case with most women, I never guessed that I would experience a miscarriage.  Instead, I always feared I wouldn't be able to have children at all.  My mother experienced difficulty conceiving due to endometriosis.  After 8 years of struggle, fertility treatments, and a surgery, I was born.  During delivery, however, my mom experienced severe complications and had to undergo an emergency hysterectomy.  It worked out in the end (as it always does) when they adopted my younger brother.  But I know that it was difficult journey to motherhood twice over for my parents.  I think hearing the stories of infertility firsthand raised my paranoia levels and somehow, that's the only thing I was worried about.

Miscarriage didn't cross my mind until the moment I was pregnant.  Then it basically didn't leave my mind until I did.  I've since learned that miscarriages are much more common that I once realized.
It's been about 6 months since I miscarried, and these days, I'm mostly okay.   I don't cry as often anymore and the waves of sadness are fleeting. But the thought of it is never far from my mind. Every morning it's my first thought, as I record the day's basal body temperature.  Each month that passes, I imagine what it might be like if I were still pregnant.  I was only pregnant for a few short weeks, but I had enough dreams to fill a lifetime.  As what should have been my due date approaches, I expect to feel a growing sadness, but maybe also a little bit more acceptance.  I know this Thanksgiving and Christmas will look a lot different that I had once thought, but I hope to find some peace.

As we continue to try for another baby my original fears have come to fruition. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) shortly before we conceived.  I expected that we would encounter difficulties initially and was shocked when ended up pregnant on our third cycle.  This success resulted in my becoming a bit over-confident about our ability to conceive.  We are taking slow, purposeful steps to help manage my PCOS, but that is another post for another day.